My granma and the one who wreck my heart

It’s been a long time(for me) since I had posted something in my blog… I’ve been somekinda busy in school lately…studying hard for many quizzes everyday and some extra tasks from my orgs. There was even one time that I was reviewing for my fave subject, and that is Philosophy, that I over drank coffee while reviewing that I didn’t even notice that I drank about 6 or 7 cups of it… and what happen is that by the time that I am supposed to sleep, I couldn’t sleep.. I stayed up till 4am and slept for just an hour before going to school that morning…

Anyway, hey, it’s almost Christmas!! And I’m sure many people are preparing for the season, (even I, I am saving money for my godchild, family and few friends) despite of the crisis that some are going through..
Christmas is a season of giving, happiness and most of all, thanksgiving… this years season for me really is a sad one coming.. Because I lost two of the important people in my life that I really love and care for, my dear Grandma, and the one who broke my heart.

Last year’s Christmas for me (and my family) was quite sad. This is because of my grandma who was diagnosed to have brain tumor. We did everything we can to stop the growth of the tumor, but there was nothing we can do, the tumor was already deep and big. It’s not that she’s already dead! But she’s already bed readen.. She neither can speak, talk, sees nor hear… and it breaks my heart to see her like that. She had been there for me eversince I was a “baby”. I don’t want to be obnoxious but I know her better than my own parents. I’m even more close to her than my own mother. The first moment I heard she was sick, I was shocked and I even tried to hold back the tears but when my tita and my cousin Ann showed up their emotion, I was carried away too. It was few weeks before Christmas too when we knew of her sickness. At first it was hard for me coz who could have thought, a very generous, religious and kind lady would have that kind of sickness, she doesn’t deserve it! When some of our relatives and family friends knew what happened, they showed the same reaction and they rushed into the hospital (I happen to be there looking after her with Grandpa) to visit her. With the people who came and showed their concern for my Lola, that really proved to me that she is a very kind person. My lolo stood very firm despite of this painful thing but I can see it in his eyes, he’s sad.. And, undoubtedly, he misses her. my lolo and lola were the “Picture Perfect”-marriage for me, even though they were already old, the love was still there. It took me a month or so to accept the fact that we cannot do anything anymore to save her. The only thing left for me to do was to constantly pray that God would take care of her. She has done her mission very well in this world – maybe that’s why she has to rest. She had been a great mother, wife, sister to my lolas, grandma to me and my couz and a good Christian. I take time to visit her every now and then, especially when I put her NGT Tube (it hurts me to see her go through a physical pain when I’m starting to insert the tube in her nose coz it’s the only way she could eat). I feel she is still conscious but cannot show any signs of response. I know she’s still struggling… if I only could exchange my life for hers, I’ve done it already.. I miss her a lot…

It’s been 3 months since I had one of the painful things that ever happened to me. Well, I’ve been inloved with this person for about 4 or 5 years already. And it’s never easy for me to forget bout it, most specially the PAINFUL things that this person has done to me. The past Christmas' were never complete for me without this person. I have done a person would do to prove his love for someone. Yes, I have traveled miles and miles just to be with this person, LITERALLY I DID! I have crossed the deep ocean; I have raced through the wire! I’ve done all, it’s not that nanunumbat ako, but really, I’ve done everything and in the end, it was never enough for this person pala. Nung kami pa, I had promise to myself that I’ll take good care of this person and I’ll never let go of the feeling. Many people warned me, friends, families, but I didn’t listened to them and this is because I believed in something that I thought was real.. Just last week, I read this words from the one that left me telling “2 years of relationship and at the end, I realized, it was just an infatuation, AND “NO” LOVE was INVOLVED.” the poem wasn’t for me but I was affected in a way or another. Obviously, the line was pertaining to me. Ok na sana, kasi all the while I thought, kahit papaano, may naramdaman siya para sa akin, e yun pala, wala… WALA.. How could this person pretend that there’s something inside of this person? how could this person ever endured faking her own emotion… misact when I knew, inloved siya to ANOTHER person, wala mang one month after ng break up but mas masakit ito… nalaman ko pa di dahil sinabi niya sa akin kundi dahil naka post sa blog nia.. This person should have told me, but no. Maybe this is just the FIRST time na magpost ako ng sumtin tungkol sa kanya, so if you read this, I hope you won’t get mad (sa bagay, you wouldn’t even care) ikaw nga, mas masakit pa dito mga pinag popost mo… by the time of the break up, there were many questions hanging in my mind. But time thought me the answers to them, the answers that hurt me more because they were all true (truth hurts right?). I have build my dreams sa taong, I was contented then.. I thought seryoso siya, pero di pala.. di totoo naramdaman nia(MERON BAH?). I think I should stop now, for I might say everything lalo na mga ginawa niya sakin, loving is not about measuring and mentioning things you have done for the person you chose to give your love to. From the moment I have committed myself to what I feel, I really told myself, I will give all, and I did. I have no regrets, coz I know in myself, I have done my commitment, my promises. Till’ now I’m still hurting and there was no day that I didn’t thought of that person( God knows I do)…. But for now, I should move on, tsaka nalang.. these was my final words to myself “I will not suppress what I feel, nor would I nurture it, if it is meant to stay, it will stay, and if not, then it’s not.” I know, wherever that person might be, masaya siya, mas masaya. And I even can’t imagine that this person is thinking of me much more, miss me.. whatever makes hr happy, I’ll be happy too, even though my heart’s torn into billions of pieces..

Think you’re the only one who’s feeling lonely this season? Well, think again, because I also am. But life should go on for us, no matter what pain going through. Like me, I feel pain of loss. These two persons are big deal for me. They mean so much, for my lola, I know she is happy now that she’s in a total state of peace, though no one’s certain if till when should she go through physical pain and the person I’ve ever loved this way, I hope you might find your contentment. My friends and family are the only people left with me, they make me strong, and I’m glad I have this opportunity to say “thank you”. Again before I end this up, if there are things that have hurt you or something that you didn’t like while reading it, I’m sorry.. tanx anyways for taking time reading..

merry Christmas to all!